Incarnational Living

Praise the Lord oh my Soul

2010-05-19T10:33:00.000-07:00

As I sit amongst the trees

which cry out

and upon the grass

which fades and withers like I

something deep within me crys

Bless the Lord

all that is within me

praise his holy name

every root and fiber

every last ounce of my being

Bless his name

he has renewed me

he has caused me to stand

he has made me soar on wings like eagles

he knows my frame

he knows where i have been

he remembers the pit

which he met me in and carried me from

he understands the parts of me that I try to hide

naked i came and naked i will go

his knowledge and depth

are a beauty which causes me to bless him

to bless the Lord all my deepest parts

may my heart be constantly full of praise

if all is lost, burned, and destroyed

may this never depart me

may this longing never run dry

may this desire never be quenched by another

may I never lose sight of him

him who has saved me and caused me to be found in him

In him, by Him, and through him

Bless the Lord all that is within me

Praise his holy name

Bless the Lord

2010-02-03T16:56:00.000-08:00

A woman of the city

came to the house where Jesus was eating

she was a sinner

known as this

full of desperation and fear

she cleansed his feet with tears

anointed his feet with ointment

not worthy of touching his head

she wiped his feet clean with her hair and kissed them

God is near to the broken hearted

she disrupted the religious to be with him

in response to this woman

who was dirty, unworthy and a sinner

he gazed upon her

He acknowledged her touch, kiss, anointing, and presence

I see you

you've done a lot of wrong

but your heart knows

I see all of you

you sins, all of them, have been forgiven

go in peace

2009-11-05T20:59:00.000-08:00

tasting

through the intake and ingestion

its clear when you and see

goodness

taste and see

crave this once again

in my thirst

help me drink of you

give my lips a sweet experience of you

open my eyes to see

to be drawn to you

to look for you

and to be fixed upon you

as a sweet lover who satisfies your cravings

as one whom i experience and look for

i pray i would crave nothing above

your graciousness oh Lord

may my eyes become blind

to all that takes my sight from you

may all who are wearied and heavy burdened

taste and see

and in craving know

waiting

2009-10-05T20:36:00.000-07:00

As you wander in fear and paranoia

he sees you

as you wait in depression

he sees you

as you sit waiting to see light

he sees you

in slavery and shame

in sin and wages deserved

he sees you

Where have you come from?

abuse, abandon, shame

moments that will never be forgotten

people who said they loved you

the deceiving pursuit of self

drugs, alcohol, relationships

the sting of the past is where I have been

Where are you going?

I don't know

I ask the same question

I'm learning and growing

seeking to know the will of you

the one who intends good to come

please continue to see me

and with every step

teach me you know and see

all that was and is to come

2009-06-05T23:04:00.001-07:00

recent travels. . . Me, Claire, and Jen Lou who just moved to Ny from SF it was fun to see her! Vancouver, BC one of the most beautiful cities I have seen, with great desparity. Markings of our friends and their time in Portland, OR. the Stage in Seattle was a great spot to find friends old and new. One of the many old beautiful brinck buildings in Boston, MA. Tompkins park NYC where a lot of traveling kids hang out. It has been a good season

of travel and its nice to be home!

2009-05-06T13:30:00.000-07:00

from the ground we come

from the ashes we fall

from the cracks we break through

from the depths we are brought

from despair we are saved

from wounds we are healed

to love we are brought

to mercy we see

to grace we now live

to beauty we are given

for the lonely

for the outcast

for the wanderer

for the disillusioned

for the slave

for the desperate

for those who fall short

and continue to see how short

through his power

through his resurrection

through his pursuit

through his holding of it all

and burying it

through this fulfillment we live

2009-03-13T10:09:00.000-07:00

deliverance

freedom

hope for my heart

which has been longing

for a breath of truth

it came to deep parts of me

acknowledged and spoken into

your Spirit broke through

and caused tears

when nothing else was adequate

tears fell, expressing more

than any words could

I no longer have to lay in defeat

of an enemy that holds me

to lies that have no power

i need my response to be different

calling on a God who has

put his shield of truth

his righteousness

and secured me in his salvation

and offers me truth to defend against lies

has brought me peace which carries me

wherever my feet shall your peace follows

he has given me faith which protects

and his Spirit inside which penetrates

with all these things I'm found

yet the defeated enemy

continues to come hard to me

through means far beyond my control

seeking to defeat and destroy

he has come to steal, kill, and destroy

through ways I wouldn't expect

anything to pull me from abundant life

a life which is free and secure

as things continue

help me to see your hand

as bigger and victorious

nothing escapes you or is to great for you

you are the great victor whom walks with us

2009-01-24T00:29:00.000-08:00

the never ending kingdom

the king came

not in power or might

not by force or storm

but surprisingly

to a virgin

who was betrothed

an angel came

and spoke of a Spirit

that would make this possible

and she believed him

believed that this king could be conceived

inside of her

scoffed and shamed

the king was coming

dejected and without explanation

the king was coming

God walked her into this

gently bringing his kingdom

to a place that desperately needs it

pain and sorrow were had

to bring this kingdom

pain and sorrow were had

to make a way into this kingdom

a way has been made

into this kingdom

that never ends for those whom he loves

Captivity

2008-12-02T13:34:00.000-08:00

invisible prisoner

he came to set captives free

free from bars that may go unseen

bars that are true for all

they are strong

and hold undefinable things inside of me

bars that go unseen

yet weigh on the heart

Christ came to set us free

the hope of freedom one day

what about now

the making new

setting free

working through his Spirit

the active present tenses

now i must believe

he has destroyed these bars

I'm in them

not remembering

or believing this

help me Jesus

the gate is open

I only see bars

change my heart

I'm no longer a captive

to this mind

in me

2008-10-09T22:39:00.000-07:00

its my hearts process of birth

there has been this idea of me

being grown and nurtured

and has been formed in me

i'm ready for this to be met

i'm ready for people to meet

this thing that is real

which can define itself

that has been forming

and greatly contributing to me

i denied its existence

yet its crowning with hope

please don't be misunderstood

help me be me

you've been formed

beautifully and uniquely

you've known this part of me

thank you for caring for this neglected place

thank you for preserving

that which i forgot

and tried to kill off

you are the giver of true life

birth in me that which is true

and continue this process

i wait in expectation

the other side of the world

2008-09-28T14:32:00.000-07:00

out the window

rests lush plants and life

you feel this place all over

its quiet and sticky

yet their are many lives

nobody is known

they bow and look down

education is the cure all

pride and respect maintained

a whole different world exists

that inside of a person

their likes and dislikes

their joys and pain

their dreams and sorrows

but pride and tradition

maintain and preserve order

when hearts are woken

and questions raised

maintain what is

it is you who can

and who will

wake us from our sleep

all cannot be maintained

when our hearts

are revealed

when we are exposed

and the inside is seen

you maintain

you bring new order

and a new way of life

him

2008-06-30T15:10:00.000-07:00

as we sit amongst the grass

that brings life to this earth

as we connect on the concrete

that has been a place

a stop on the journey

for so many

you see

is it in the gentleness of a voice

or the abruptness of laughter

the touch in your present state

or simply in our eyes

or is it spelled all over my face

he is more able then I

I because of him

pieces of me

despite these you see him

do you know what you see?

him who is able and greater

he reveals himself in our frames

see him not me

he alone is good

stillness

2008-06-13T14:06:00.000-07:00

Come, behold the works of the Lord, how he

has brought desolations on the earth.

He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;

he breaks the bow and shatters the spears;

he burns the chariots with fire.

"Be still, and know that I am God.

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth!"

The Lord of hosts is with us;

the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Psalm 46:8-11

reflections. . .

be still my child. . . still as a sleeping baby. . . a tree untouched by the wind. . .

be still as the distractions melt away. . . as the tensions of the mind find ease. . .

Is it easier to know when I am still?

Stillness reflects a posture of humility- being still with open hands as releasing all things to him who is able and trustworthy. Recognizing that he is God. He will be exalted among the nations and in the earth. It is God who moves and allows us to rest and be still in him.

Does stillness bring perspective?

2008-05-29T17:09:00.001-07:00

people leave

their on a journey

they stop for whatever

and my heart grows fond

i forget they leave

it is ok to be sad

in my grief

i'm reminded

some plant

some water

and God grows

they leave

i'm sad

i miss them when they are gone

2008-05-11T16:20:00.000-07:00

man made

that which never was

brings sadness

i made it what i wanted

and it left me sad

the perceived world

leaves one end

reality

desperate for what i wanted

left sad by the way things are

show me what is real

as to spare this sadness

over things i wished were

bring to light

that which is real

and far beyond what i perceive

a picture

2008-04-08T19:19:00.000-07:00

as a little girl i shiver

arms wrapped tightly around my legs

tears flooding my eyes as i lay my head down

the light breaks forth

am i seeing things?

i've tried to make this happen before

i've tried to light the way out of this place

exhausted by my efforts to keep the flame going

i retract, sit, cry, and wait

thinking that hope is gone

the darkness is thick and heavy

the ray of light seems small

can i trust it?

will it lead out of this place?

what will happen?

will it hurt?

will it be better?

does hope exist in this light?

oddly comforted by the darkness i remain

faintly remembering the promises of light

step out and risk the goodness of the light

to be released into light

to break free of this dark place

which entangles gently

the tangles unknown will be exposed through light

i've seen the goodness

but i don't trust it now

i slowly get up

stiffened by time and deeply effected by this place

i crawl towards the hope of light

will it remain?

exhausted i come

in need of much

guide and release me from this place

even when i don't trust

tears

2008-03-10T09:21:00.000-07:00

if tears were pearls i would lack

yet on that day i would be greatly adorned

if my tears had words what would they say?

would they express all that i wish

or expose the hurt that runs deep in my soul?

frustrated at my lack of total persuasion

i weep

desiring to know and believe without a moments lapse

i weep with eyes looking into mine bearing my pain

love abounds

in the darkest moments when hurt is all i feel

love abounds

when i remember the way it felt once

love abounds

i know, i trust, i forget, yet you remain

frustrated perhaps by a need that will always exist

everyday there is an offer, to come to this place

when these things connect tears form

crying out in a way that is deep and raw

you surround me in this place

expressing my heart in a way that only tears can

i weep

but your love always abounds

(a poem about the place i feel like God is bringing me through. a place that is uncomfortable and challenges much of me and what i know, but desiring to engage this place to grow in my understanding of his unfailing love. Praise Jesus for his continual grace in my life. His patience in my small scope of understanding and his desire to bring me past this and into a place of restoration and deeper understanding. A place where I can know his love more and live resting in this understanding.)

reflections

2008-02-22T10:31:00.000-08:00

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
matthew 5:3

I was recently on a solitude retreat and I read this verse. I have never before thought and weighed the words of Jesus in this passage. When i think and reflect on the word poor i think of dependency, great need, and recognition of that which cannot be provided in themselves. Blessed, Jesus says, are those that are poor in spirit. The poor in spirit are those that are desperate. Those that have searched the ways of their own heart and seen their great inability mend the wonunds. In their own Spirit they see their poverty. They are unable to satisfy their great need for Jesus. Recognizing their need to be rescued from their sin and destitute without the mercy and grace offered through Jesus Christ. They will receive the kingdom of God. Those that see their poverty and desperation for Jesus to come and make whole that which is broken and in need of much. It is necessary of me to see how desperate I am before our Savior- this is a posture of humility that God desires in his kingdom.

In the kingdom of God the greatest is:

"Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."

matthew 18:4

"Whoever receives this child in my name receives me, and whoever receives me receives him who sent me. For he who is least among you all is the one who is great."

luke 9:48

"If anyone would be first, he must be last of all and servant of all."
mark 9:35

In my flesh I rebel against this idea of being in need. But it is through the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ that the blind are made to see. This is a posture and an attitude that I desire to recognize constantly in my own life. In a culture where the least are overlooked it is an incredible idea to wrap my mind around that Jesus desire us to see our great need and poverty for a Savior and those that are last will be first. It is in this that we will grow into the love of God and our lives will be forever change because of this truth. I pray that God would constantly remind me of my need and praise him for the mercy that he has provided throught Jesus.

pieces

2008-01-25T12:54:00.000-08:00

it seemed to happen as i was sitting there
her tears quickly replaced her words
every tear that fell echoed on the hallow earth
she is tired, frustrated, and without hope
she gave up everything for this life
this life and relationship that she thought would be different
it was all at once that her heart and her wounds were exposed
it was broken before me the pain was bare
unable to pretend the wounds were not there
silence
i desired to speak and make it well
silence fell upon me
but what my heart felt is unspeakable
i saw her preciousness, her woundedness
her desire for hope
her questions wondering if life would ever be different
the pieces of her heart said it all
i found silence
knowing my words and offerings would not do
silence
thinking of the restoration that she hopes for

kingdom eyes

2008-01-04T15:57:00.000-08:00

Children wading in water that was running from the trash mountain in efforts to clean their treasures. Homes established with cardboard and the floor of the earth. Age 40 is all that is expected if life isn't stolen by disease or disaster first. Families trying to survive on that which they could spare from the mountain of garbage. No running water and no electricity. Squatting around the filth and waste in hopes of having a life that is better. Seeking freedom from this financially broken place to provide and survive as a family.

The beauty of the park is unspeakable. If you looked closely at night in the bushes you would find homes. Going to bed in fear of attack, flood, or being ticketed for being in this place. Waking up to every rat scurrying and branch snapping with fear gripping their hearts. Some sell, most buy, yet others live and breath in this place with no addiction to hide behind. Wondering where your next meal will come from or what to do when the big rain storm hits. This is the idea of ultimate "freedom" for many.

We're fenced in, gated around, and hiding in our homes. The scars and defects of this life are painted over. This is a dream for so many people to be protected by this place. Needs of people are easily tucked behind walls and shoved behind closed doors. You work hard, provide the best you can for your family, and live this life that is expected of you thinking that this is the only way. Things seem good and very ideal, yet the issues beneath the surface are undefined and ignored as if they don't exist.

These places seem so different at first glance. The lifestyles, issues, diseases, context, culture, and realities of these places are very unique. One thing that I was challenged with when I first came to this city (SF) was to see with eyes that were not my own. To see what Jesus sees on these streets and in the park and to have kingdom eyes. It is hard to remove the lens that have defined my eyes for so long but slowly God is stripping them from me and allowing me to see so much more then those things that I have listed and described. It is easy to see one place and claim that it is easier and more attractive to be in then another. Going from once place to another it is easy and I may be quick to judge that which is on the outside and seems to define a place. Whether I am in North Dakota, San Francisco, or the Philippines. I see my sin in this and I am praying that God would continue to bring me from this place and give me kingdom eyes. While I was back home for a couple of weeks I prayed that God would give me eyes to see beyond that which is on the surface. That he would give me eyes that gaze upon his kingdom and this world from that perspective. I think that themes are a good thing and I see a few that have come up this year thus far in my learning. One is needs. We all have them and many of them are different then the next persons, yet there is one that is true and consistent that dwells under the surface and the circumstances of the place we live in. The same struggles, addictions, pains, sorrows, joys, hurts, and fears can exist in all of these places that seem so different when we look from the outside. I love diversity and the adventure of discovering, being a part of, and experiencing a new place. However I feel like the more I think and process the places that I have been one thing is the same wherever I go. People need Jesus. We are all dealing with and working through pain and junk in our lives. We are all in need of a Savior that can redeem us from this place and ourselves. This need is played out differently in people's lives, but it is there and God desires to break through these places. I pray that God would continue to shape my heart and to refocus my eyes to see his hand in these places and to be attentive to his kingdom as he brings it more into focus in the places I live.

circumstances

2007-12-04T15:42:00.001-08:00

This past Saturday I went to my favorite store to this big sale. They had really neat stuff for really cheap it seemed like it was going to be wonderful. When I got there I found myself frustrated. This is really the first time since I have been here that I have experienced this kind of emotion for these specific reasons. Perhaps the first time that I had considered my income and the lifestyle that I have chosen for myself. I have thought about it before but it has never had this affect on me. I don't like shopping or really anything that resembles it but there are a few stores that I enjoy and desire to own many things from. This happens to be one of those store and I was standing there looking at really neat things that I would love to own but at this moment in my life I could not use or justify owning them. I was frustrated that there were people all around me shopping and buying nice things that I wanted but frankly couldn't afford and truthfully didn't need. As a processed through this later I realized that my life would not be different because of these things. These things do not define who I am or what my life is going to look like. It is also good to be reminded that all that is mine and in this world is God's. Through the emotions that I experienced I realized something. That my life and circumstances have been purposed to make me more like Jesus. My circumstances living in San Francisco, among the poor, in a intentional community, supported financially by others, single, and young are all things that God has intended to be a part of my life at this point. I feel like God has brought me hear and provided for me in order to grow in my understanding or him and see how ministry flows from this source regardless of life's circumstances. All of these things and the circumstances in life that are on the horizon are intended by the grace of God to make me more like Jesus. I can find rest in this truth. . .

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers."
Romans 8:28,29

These words give me hope. Even if there are moments when I wish things were different , even if it is as silly as owning stuff, I can remember that God has intended the events of my life to make me more like him. This process, sanctification, of making me more like Jesus ultimately brings God glory. It is so amazing to see the way that God is teaching me about issues and struggles in my own life in the midst of ministry on the streets. I am so thankful that in these struggles that God is working not only to change my heart but he is also at work around me and in the lives of people that I seek to build relationships with. God is capable of being glorified and bringing people to himself through the learning process that this life can be. Praise be to God. . .

"Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name. . ."
Psalm 29:2

pain

2007-11-18T17:52:00.001-08:00

i have lived much of my life without understanding pain
the diversity and effects saturate lives
there is nothing that can prevent it
it is what we relate from
communicate from
and perceive our world from
it goes unthought of and forgotten
to invite it into our thinking is dangerous
it has much potential
will we find ourselves slaves
or sweetly liberated from the chains?
does this ability come from within
to face demons of abandonment, addiction, rape,
abuse, fear, hurt, worthlessness, selfishness, pride,
lust, and expectations. . . life
which produce pain

who has offered us liberation
who has promised to release us from this bondage
to love us despite and in the midst of these monsters
when we are wounded, broken, and desperate
who looks at us with eyes of compassion
that penetrate every thread of our pain
who embraces us gently whispering
you are more than your pain
you are loved as you are
a life was exchanged to free you from the death of pain
now we can be new
knowing that pain exists
looking it in the eye
while embracing him who brings liberation
sweetly liberated from this bondage
and invited into so much more

2007-10-28T19:56:00.000-07:00

Every time I sign on this blog to write I feel stuck. All of my experiences seem impossible to describe. This frustrates me so much because I so desire to communicate these things to people, but it is hard. I would love to go into detail about the lives and the stories of the people that I have met and about the ways that I have been broken and seen Jesus working. It is hard to take all of these experiences and assign words to them in hopes that it will communicate the depths and degrees of the things I have felt. Perhaps by sharing what I am learning these other things will come to light as well.
Who knows how long he will be here? He loves the parties and the drugs on Haight. Last night he was lying on the naked ground with intense back pain from the acid trip he was on and said that he loved it. He loves it, what is it? The back pain that masks that pain which has defined his life? I don't understand, but my heart breaks for my friend. Jesus is the only one who can restore a broken heart and I pray for restoration in my friend's life. . .
He was abandoned has a child. He moved from place to place all over in the system. He has been on the streets since he was 19. Now at age 42 he looks back and tells me that this was a long time and these things don't matter anymore. Looking in his eyes and being drawn to his pain that was and is from a long time ago that resonates loudly makes me see the relevance of these events. Now he is in housing and has hopes and dreams of what life could be even though it would seem that most of it was stripped away from him. Jesus is the only one who can restore a broken heart and I pray for restoration in my friend's life. . .
My life outwardly may have looked very different from these friends of mine but our condition was much the same. I was looking for life and putting my hope in that which would never satisfy. Sin was ruling my life and the pain that this caused was brushed under the rug. God slowly broke the cisterns that I created to hold the burden of this life. I was broken and wanting more then the broken cisterns I was left with. Jesus is the only one who restored my broken heart and I pray that he would continue to restore my heart and be glorified in my life. . .

"Jesus shows pity to those who have nothing to claim but desperation. He is moved by a desperate cry for help. What is the message to us? Our God is not moved by the deeds that we trophy, but by desperation that we acknowledge as our own." Bryan Chapell

As hard as it is for me to communicate my thoughts and experiences God has clearly communicated this wonderful truth to me. That we are all desperate for Jesus and the restoration that comes from being in relationship with him. Regardless of the exterior our hearts long to be made new and Jesus hears the cries of the desperate. . .

2007-10-08T19:37:00.000-07:00

i have officially been in San Francisco for two weeks! the picture here is my team that I am living with, making community with, and serving with. They are neat people that love Jesus and have loved me well I am so thankful for them. the time has gone fast and i have experience a lot of neat and very hard things since I have been here. yesterday we went to an area of the city called the Tenderloin, there are different stories for how it got its name, but this is a huge area in the city where hard drugs exist and a lot of homeless people live. We got a tour of this neighborhood from a friend of ours. it is right in the downtown area there were people living all over the sidewalks. i don't know their stories but many of them have probably been homeless for years and are very strung out on drugs. it is one of the saddest places i have ever been. Ironically enough there is every service offered in this neighborhood. It is possible to receive health care, 3 warm meals a day, and a place to stay. Even with all of these services present the need was still huge. i have never seen the affects of substance addiction so clearly before. these services do not cure the addiction problem that is destroying so many people's lives in the TL. even in a place where these things are available people are suffering and being tormented by addiction. something is still missing form the picture and that is Jesus. Jesus is the one that brings freedom and healing to wounded hearts. this causes me to reflect on my own life and the things that God has saved me from and is sparing me from. i not have been laying next to them or passed out in the gutter with the same addictions eating away at my life. there may still be suffering in this life but he offers freedom and hope that this destruction will end someday. this brings me great hope and joy.

today (Monday) we had our weekly pancakes party in golden gate park. every Monday morning we bring coffee and make pancakes for our friends and those that are hungry in the park. it was neat today it was my first time being there and it was fun to see people gather to eat and come together for conversation. it has been a little overwhelming meeting a ton of new people but this was very relaxing and enjoyable. I learned the wonderful art of playing chess, it was fun! hopefully i can remember so i can play again with a little more strategy! there is more transitioning for me to do and a lot for me to learn but i am excited that God will teach me in the process and that i can be a part of what he is doing in San Francisco! I am learning that the process of building a friendship does not change with context and that my soon to be friends have stories and lives that I want to be a part of as i invite them to be a part of mine. thanks for reading, supporting, and praying for me and this year in the city!

First day in San Francisco. . .

2007-09-25T18:59:00.000-07:00

Well i made it. I cannot believe that I am here and I am feeling a huge array of emotions. I was nervous yesterday when I arrived but was greeted and accepted very warmly into this new community that will be my home. Today I got to see the city a bit and enjoy time with my roommate. Tomorrow we start 6 days of orientation which will be nice to get a better feel for things. Then when we are done with that we will have more orientation with our team in in the Haight Ashbury. So in time I will adjust and I am really trying to trust God and know that his faithfulness is steadfast. Which will be something that I know God will continue to teach me and provide grace for me in. Even when life is new and things are totally out of what I know. I am excited however to join in on what God is doing in the lives of people here in the city and be a part of the Outer Circle Team.