circumstances

This past Saturday I went to my favorite store to this big sale. They had really neat stuff for really cheap it seemed like it was going to be wonderful. When I got there I found myself frustrated. This is really the first time since I have been here that I have experienced this kind of emotion for these specific reasons. Perhaps the first time that I had considered my income and the lifestyle that I have chosen for myself. I have thought about it before but it has never had this affect on me. I don't like shopping or really anything that resembles it but there are a few stores that I enjoy and desire to own many things from. This happens to be one of those store and I was standing there looking at really neat things that I would love to own but at this moment in my life I could not use or justify owning them. I was frustrated that there were people all around me shopping and buying nice things that I wanted but frankly couldn't afford and truthfully didn't need. As a processed through this later I realized that my life would not be different because of these things. These things do not define who I am or what my life is going to look like. It is also good to be reminded that all that is mine and in this world is God's. Through the emotions that I experienced I realized something. That my life and circumstances have been purposed to make me more like Jesus. My circumstances living in San Francisco, among the poor, in a intentional community, supported financially by others, single, and young are all things that God has intended to be a part of my life at this point. I feel like God has brought me hear and provided for me in order to grow in my understanding or him and see how ministry flows from this source regardless of life's circumstances. All of these things and the circumstances in life that are on the horizon are intended by the grace of God to make me more like Jesus. I can find rest in this truth. . .

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers."
Romans 8:28,29

These words give me hope. Even if there are moments when I wish things were different , even if it is as silly as owning stuff, I can remember that God has intended the events of my life to make me more like him. This process, sanctification, of making me more like Jesus ultimately brings God glory. It is so amazing to see the way that God is teaching me about issues and struggles in my own life in the midst of ministry on the streets. I am so thankful that in these struggles that God is working not only to change my heart but he is also at work around me and in the lives of people that I seek to build relationships with. God is capable of being glorified and bringing people to himself through the learning process that this life can be. Praise be to God. . .

"Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name. . ."
Psalm 29:2

pain

i have lived much of my life without understanding pain
the diversity and effects saturate lives
there is nothing that can prevent it
it is what we relate from
communicate from
and perceive our world from
it goes unthought of and forgotten
to invite it into our thinking is dangerous
it has much potential
will we find ourselves slaves
or sweetly liberated from the chains?
does this ability come from within
to face demons of abandonment, addiction, rape,
abuse, fear, hurt, worthlessness, selfishness, pride,
lust, and expectations. . . life
which produce pain

who has offered us liberation
who has promised to release us from this bondage
to love us despite and in the midst of these monsters
when we are wounded, broken, and desperate
who looks at us with eyes of compassion
that penetrate every thread of our pain
who embraces us gently whispering
you are more than your pain
you are loved as you are
a life was exchanged to free you from the death of pain
now we can be new
knowing that pain exists
looking it in the eye
while embracing him who brings liberation
sweetly liberated from this bondage
and invited into so much more

Every time I sign on this blog to write I feel stuck. All of my experiences seem impossible to describe. This frustrates me so much because I so desire to communicate these things to people, but it is hard. I would love to go into detail about the lives and the stories of the people that I have met and about the ways that I have been broken and seen Jesus working. It is hard to take all of these experiences and assign words to them in hopes that it will communicate the depths and degrees of the things I have felt. Perhaps by sharing what I am learning these other things will come to light as well.

Who knows how long he will be here? He loves the parties and the drugs on Haight. Last night he was lying on the naked ground with intense back pain from the acid trip he was on and said that he loved it. He loves it, what is it? The back pain that masks that pain which has defined his life? I don't understand, but my heart breaks for my friend. Jesus is the only one who can restore a broken heart and I pray for restoration in my friend's life. . .

He was abandoned has a child. He moved from place to place all over in the system. He has been on the streets since he was 19. Now at age 42 he looks back and tells me that this was a long time and these things don't matter anymore. Looking in his eyes and being drawn to his pain that was and is from a long time ago that resonates loudly makes me see the relevance of these events. Now he is in housing and has hopes and dreams of what life could be even though it would seem that most of it was stripped away from him. Jesus is the only one who can restore a broken heart and I pray for restoration in my friend's life. . .

My life outwardly may have looked very different from these friends of mine but our condition was much the same. I was looking for life and putting my hope in that which would never satisfy. Sin was ruling my life and the pain that this caused was brushed under the rug. God slowly broke the cisterns that I created to hold the burden of this life. I was broken and wanting more then the broken cisterns I was left with. Jesus is the only one who restored my broken heart and I pray that he would continue to restore my heart and be glorified in my life. . .

"Jesus shows pity to those who have nothing to claim but desperation. He is moved by a desperate cry for help. What is the message to us? Our God is not moved by the deeds that we trophy, but by desperation that we acknowledge as our own." Bryan Chapell

As hard as it is for me to communicate my thoughts and experiences God has clearly communicated this wonderful truth to me. That we are all desperate for Jesus and the restoration that comes from being in relationship with him. Regardless of the exterior our hearts long to be made new and Jesus hears the cries of the desperate. . .

i have officially been in San Francisco for two weeks! the picture here is my team that I am living with, making community with, and serving with. They are neat people that love Jesus and have loved me well I am so thankful for them. the time has gone fast and i have experience a lot of neat and very hard things since I have been here. yesterday we went to an area of the city called the Tenderloin, there are different stories for how it got its name, but this is a huge area in the city where hard drugs exist and a lot of homeless people live. We got a tour of this neighborhood from a friend of ours. it is right in the downtown area there were people living all over the sidewalks. i don't know their stories but many of them have probably been homeless for years and are very strung out on drugs. it is one of the saddest places i have ever been. Ironically enough there is every service offered in this neighborhood. It is possible to receive health care, 3 warm meals a day, and a place to stay. Even with all of these services present the need was still huge. i have never seen the affects of substance addiction so clearly before. these services do not cure the addiction problem that is destroying so many people's lives in the TL. even in a place where these things are available people are suffering and being tormented by addiction. something is still missing form the picture and that is Jesus. Jesus is the one that brings freedom and healing to wounded hearts. this causes me to reflect on my own life and the things that God has saved me from and is sparing me from. i not have been laying next to them or passed out in the gutter with the same addictions eating away at my life. there may still be suffering in this life but he offers freedom and hope that this destruction will end someday. this brings me great hope and joy.

today (Monday) we had our weekly pancakes party in golden gate park. every Monday morning we bring coffee and make pancakes for our friends and those that are hungry in the park. it was neat today it was my first time being there and it was fun to see people gather to eat and come together for conversation. it has been a little overwhelming meeting a ton of new people but this was very relaxing and enjoyable. I learned the wonderful art of playing chess, it was fun! hopefully i can remember so i can play again with a little more strategy! there is more transitioning for me to do and a lot for me to learn but i am excited that God will teach me in the process and that i can be a part of what he is doing in San Francisco! I am learning that the process of building a friendship does not change with context and that my soon to be friends have stories and lives that I want to be a part of as i invite them to be a part of mine. thanks for reading, supporting, and praying for me and this year in the city!

First day in San Francisco. . .

Well i made it. I cannot believe that I am here and I am feeling a huge array of emotions. I was nervous yesterday when I arrived but was greeted and accepted very warmly into this new community that will be my home. Today I got to see the city a bit and enjoy time with my roommate. Tomorrow we start 6 days of orientation which will be nice to get a better feel for things. Then when we are done with that we will have more orientation with our team in in the Haight Ashbury. So in time I will adjust and I am really trying to trust God and know that his faithfulness is steadfast. Which will be something that I know God will continue to teach me and provide grace for me in. Even when life is new and things are totally out of what I know. I am excited however to join in on what God is doing in the lives of people here in the city and be a part of the Outer Circle Team.