a picture

as a little girl i shiver

arms wrapped tightly around my legs

tears flooding my eyes as i lay my head down

the light breaks forth

am i seeing things?

i've tried to make this happen before

i've tried to light the way out of this place

exhausted by my efforts to keep the flame going

i retract, sit, cry, and wait

thinking that hope is gone

the darkness is thick and heavy

the ray of light seems small

can i trust it?

will it lead out of this place?

what will happen?

will it hurt?

will it be better?

does hope exist in this light?

oddly comforted by the darkness i remain

faintly remembering the promises of light

step out and risk the goodness of the light

to be released into light

to break free of this dark place

which entangles gently

the tangles unknown will be exposed through light

i've seen the goodness

but i don't trust it now

i slowly get up

stiffened by time and deeply effected by this place

i crawl towards the hope of light

will it remain?

exhausted i come 

in need of much

guide and release me from this place

even when i don't trust

tears

if tears were pearls i would lack

yet on that day i would be greatly adorned

if my tears had words what would they say?

would they express all that i wish

or expose the hurt that runs deep in my soul?

frustrated at my lack of total persuasion

i weep

desiring to know and believe without a moments lapse

i weep with eyes looking into mine bearing my pain

love abounds

in the darkest moments when hurt is all i feel

love abounds

when i remember the way it felt once

love abounds

i know, i trust, i forget, yet you remain

frustrated perhaps by a need that will always exist

everyday there is an offer, to come to this place

when these things connect tears form

crying out in a way that is deep and raw

you surround me in this place

expressing my heart in a way that only tears can

i weep

but your love always abounds

(a poem about the place i feel like God is bringing me through.  a place that is uncomfortable and challenges much of me and what i know, but desiring to engage this place to grow in my understanding of his unfailing love.  Praise Jesus for his continual grace in my life.  His patience in my small scope of understanding and his desire to bring me past this and into a place of restoration and deeper understanding.  A place where I can know his love more and live resting in this understanding.)

reflections

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
matthew 5:3

I was recently on a solitude retreat and I read this verse. I have never before thought and weighed the words of Jesus in this passage. When i think and reflect on the word poor i think of dependency, great need, and recognition of that which cannot be provided in themselves. Blessed, Jesus says, are those that are poor in spirit. The poor in spirit are those that are desperate. Those that have searched the ways of their own heart and seen their great inability mend the wonunds. In their own Spirit they see their poverty. They are unable to satisfy their great need for Jesus. Recognizing their need to be rescued from their sin and destitute without the mercy and grace offered through Jesus Christ. They will receive the kingdom of God. Those that see their poverty and desperation for Jesus to come and make whole that which is broken and in need of much. It is necessary of me to see how desperate I am before our Savior- this is a posture of humility that God desires in his kingdom.

In the kingdom of God the greatest is:

"Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."

matthew 18:4

"Whoever receives this child in my name receives me, and whoever receives me receives him who sent me. For he who is least among you all is the one who is great."

luke 9:48

"If anyone would be first, he must be last of all and servant of all."
mark 9:35

In my flesh I rebel against this idea of being in need. But it is through the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ that the blind are made to see. This is a posture and an attitude that I desire to recognize constantly in my own life. In a culture where the least are overlooked it is an incredible idea to wrap my mind around that Jesus desire us to see our great need and poverty for a Savior and those that are last will be first. It is in this that we will grow into the love of God and our lives will be forever change because of this truth. I pray that God would constantly remind me of my need and praise him for the mercy that he has provided throught Jesus.

pieces

it seemed to happen as i was sitting there
her tears quickly replaced her words
every tear that fell echoed on the hallow earth
she is tired, frustrated, and without hope
she gave up everything for this life
this life and relationship that she thought would be different
it was all at once that her heart and her wounds were exposed
it was broken before me the pain was bare
unable to pretend the wounds were not there
silence
i desired to speak and make it well
silence fell upon me
but what my heart felt is unspeakable
i saw her preciousness, her woundedness
her desire for hope
her questions wondering if life would ever be different
the pieces of her heart said it all
i found silence
knowing my words and offerings would not do
silence
thinking of the restoration that she hopes for

kingdom eyes

Children wading in water that was running from the trash mountain in efforts to clean their treasures. Homes established with cardboard and the floor of the earth. Age 40 is all that is expected if life isn't stolen by disease or disaster first. Families trying to survive on that which they could spare from the mountain of garbage. No running water and no electricity. Squatting around the filth and waste in hopes of having a life that is better. Seeking freedom from this financially broken place to provide and survive as a family.

The beauty of the park is unspeakable. If you looked closely at night in the bushes you would find homes. Going to bed in fear of attack, flood, or being ticketed for being in this place. Waking up to every rat scurrying and branch snapping with fear gripping their hearts. Some sell, most buy, yet others live and breath in this place with no addiction to hide behind. Wondering where your next meal will come from or what to do when the big rain storm hits. This is the idea of ultimate "freedom" for many.

We're fenced in, gated around, and hiding in our homes. The scars and defects of this life are painted over. This is a dream for so many people to be protected by this place. Needs of people are easily tucked behind walls and shoved behind closed doors. You work hard, provide the best you can for your family, and live this life that is expected of you thinking that this is the only way. Things seem good and very ideal, yet the issues beneath the surface are undefined and ignored as if they don't exist.

These places seem so different at first glance. The lifestyles, issues, diseases, context, culture, and realities of these places are very unique. One thing that I was challenged with when I first came to this city (SF) was to see with eyes that were not my own. To see what Jesus sees on these streets and in the park and to have kingdom eyes. It is hard to remove the lens that have defined my eyes for so long but slowly God is stripping them from me and allowing me to see so much more then those things that I have listed and described. It is easy to see one place and claim that it is easier and more attractive to be in then another. Going from once place to another it is easy and I may be quick to judge that which is on the outside and seems to define a place. Whether I am in North Dakota, San Francisco, or the Philippines. I see my sin in this and I am praying that God would continue to bring me from this place and give me kingdom eyes. While I was back home for a couple of weeks I prayed that God would give me eyes to see beyond that which is on the surface. That he would give me eyes that gaze upon his kingdom and this world from that perspective. I think that themes are a good thing and I see a few that have come up this year thus far in my learning. One is needs. We all have them and many of them are different then the next persons, yet there is one that is true and consistent that dwells under the surface and the circumstances of the place we live in. The same struggles, addictions, pains, sorrows, joys, hurts, and fears can exist in all of these places that seem so different when we look from the outside. I love diversity and the adventure of discovering, being a part of, and experiencing a new place. However I feel like the more I think and process the places that I have been one thing is the same wherever I go. People need Jesus. We are all dealing with and working through pain and junk in our lives. We are all in need of a Savior that can redeem us from this place and ourselves. This need is played out differently in people's lives, but it is there and God desires to break through these places. I pray that God would continue to shape my heart and to refocus my eyes to see his hand in these places and to be attentive to his kingdom as he brings it more into focus in the places I live.

circumstances

This past Saturday I went to my favorite store to this big sale. They had really neat stuff for really cheap it seemed like it was going to be wonderful. When I got there I found myself frustrated. This is really the first time since I have been here that I have experienced this kind of emotion for these specific reasons. Perhaps the first time that I had considered my income and the lifestyle that I have chosen for myself. I have thought about it before but it has never had this affect on me. I don't like shopping or really anything that resembles it but there are a few stores that I enjoy and desire to own many things from. This happens to be one of those store and I was standing there looking at really neat things that I would love to own but at this moment in my life I could not use or justify owning them. I was frustrated that there were people all around me shopping and buying nice things that I wanted but frankly couldn't afford and truthfully didn't need. As a processed through this later I realized that my life would not be different because of these things. These things do not define who I am or what my life is going to look like. It is also good to be reminded that all that is mine and in this world is God's. Through the emotions that I experienced I realized something. That my life and circumstances have been purposed to make me more like Jesus. My circumstances living in San Francisco, among the poor, in a intentional community, supported financially by others, single, and young are all things that God has intended to be a part of my life at this point. I feel like God has brought me hear and provided for me in order to grow in my understanding or him and see how ministry flows from this source regardless of life's circumstances. All of these things and the circumstances in life that are on the horizon are intended by the grace of God to make me more like Jesus. I can find rest in this truth. . .

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers."
Romans 8:28,29

These words give me hope. Even if there are moments when I wish things were different , even if it is as silly as owning stuff, I can remember that God has intended the events of my life to make me more like him. This process, sanctification, of making me more like Jesus ultimately brings God glory. It is so amazing to see the way that God is teaching me about issues and struggles in my own life in the midst of ministry on the streets. I am so thankful that in these struggles that God is working not only to change my heart but he is also at work around me and in the lives of people that I seek to build relationships with. God is capable of being glorified and bringing people to himself through the learning process that this life can be. Praise be to God. . .

"Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name. . ."
Psalm 29:2

pain

i have lived much of my life without understanding pain
the diversity and effects saturate lives
there is nothing that can prevent it
it is what we relate from
communicate from
and perceive our world from
it goes unthought of and forgotten
to invite it into our thinking is dangerous
it has much potential
will we find ourselves slaves
or sweetly liberated from the chains?
does this ability come from within
to face demons of abandonment, addiction, rape,
abuse, fear, hurt, worthlessness, selfishness, pride,
lust, and expectations. . . life
which produce pain

who has offered us liberation
who has promised to release us from this bondage
to love us despite and in the midst of these monsters
when we are wounded, broken, and desperate
who looks at us with eyes of compassion
that penetrate every thread of our pain
who embraces us gently whispering
you are more than your pain
you are loved as you are
a life was exchanged to free you from the death of pain
now we can be new
knowing that pain exists
looking it in the eye
while embracing him who brings liberation
sweetly liberated from this bondage
and invited into so much more